


Witches, Cats And Other Stuff Will Shouldn't Be Dealing With But He's Forced To Anyways

by orphan_account



Category: Discworld - Terry Pratchett, Purple Hyacinth - Ephemerys & Sophism (Webcomic)
Genre: Angua's obviously her type, BUT LET THE CHAOS REIGN, Crack, Crossover, F/M, I mean tall blonde gorgeous..., Kym would thrve on Discworld, Nanny and Granny making Will uncomfortable, OH BUT KYM DOES, Obviously Will is not havign a good time, Rated M, alright these tags are getting too long, and Kym would deifinitelly hit on Angua, and flirting with Will and Kieran, and kywi, and off topic, and she'd adopt a dragon and name him Sir Waltermelon or sth, but it's just as in denial as in canon so I didn't put them into pairng tags, but no beta we die like Feegles, by either flirting with him, for inuendos, i forgot to mention, just Nanny Ogg making inuendos, long tags to overcompensate for a lack of writing skills, ninety percent of this fic is, or refusing to cooperate, plus a werewolf so Will never stood a chance, she'd most probably befriend a Feegle clan, there's some lauki, these tags will most probably get out of order, this should have been beta read, which is to say we're already dead so it's not that much of a big deal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-09
Updated: 2020-09-09
Packaged: 2021-03-07 03:33:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,146
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26346418
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: The joke starts something like this: "Two witches fell trought the roof of a bar..."and I have no idea how it continues, but the punchline is: "And William Hawkes has to deal with it."Or... and incident happens at the Golden Clover, requiring an investigation of sorts, and Will is once again handed the short end of the stick.Two sticks.Brooms.With a witch attached to the other end of each.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 15





	Witches, Cats And Other Stuff Will Shouldn't Be Dealing With But He's Forced To Anyways

If you asked William what was the worst case he had ever had to deal with, he would most probably say there were way too many in fact to pick just one. In his short career as the Lieutenant of the eleventh precinct, he had witnessed quite a lot of various cases - some heartbreaking; some shocking in their brutality; some lengthy and tiring, filled with unnecessary paperwork; others frustrating as they never came to be solved, even after restless nights spent over the testimonies and evidence.

However, if you rephrased the question asking about the worst and most absurd case Will has ever encountered, he would reply without skipping a beat; it was the (thankfully short) case of Lady A and her bald butler with a weird foot fetish.

Well, that would be until the day two crazy ladies (plus their cats) crushed through the roof of the Golden Clover.

Will ran a hand over his eyes and looked up from the report at the two women sitting in front of him.

They looked almost like a comedic duo - one tall and lanky, the other small and round. Laughter, however, was the last thing of Will's mind.

They claimed to be witches. And, admittedly, they did look the part – black dress, pointy hats, brooms and everything.

The taller of the duo had several hatpins sticking from her hat.

A part of Will wanted to confiscate them for general safety. Another, more ancient part, the one, which had helped his ancestors survive the times before this little funny thing called humanity was formed, yelled at him to never, under no circumstances, not even if he wished to die, do that.

They also had two cats. Well, only one now, as the elegant white cat with blue eyes had gracefully left the room at the start of the investigation like she wasn’t even involved in this whole mess.

Unfortunately, the other cat (which in size and overall appearance resembled a wolf rescued from an illegal animal fighting ring) stayed in the same room and was currently sitting on Kym’s desk, letting the Sergeant pet him all the while throwing malicious glances at Will.

Lieutenant gulped. He was never quite a religious man, but, from the way the cat looked at him, he felt like he should start praying.

He cleared his throat.

“So, Miss Esmeralda Weatherwax and Miss Gytha Ogg…” he spoke to the two ladies.

"Mistress Weatherwax, and Mistress Ogg," the taller of the duo interjected.

The smaller one giggled.

“Oh, don't mind her, dear, here Granny is always a bit prickly. You can call me Nanny Ogg. Or, Gytha, if you're feeling up to it,“ she winked at Will, earning a stern glance from her friend.

Will felt the blood rising to his cheeks and threw a sidelong glance at Kym. The Sergeant just grinned back at him without a shred of mercy present on her face, obviously enjoying both the show and the fact there was a large cat stretched across her desk, giving her an objective reason not to be able to do her paperwork.

_At least someone was having fun._

_Calm done, Will. You can handle this. You did handle worse_

He cleared her s throat and turned his attention back to the smaller of the two women 

“Thank you but we should stick to the last names for now, Mistress Ogg. If I can ask where do you come from?”

Nanny Ogg's eyes sparkled dangerously but before she could say anything Granny spoke up.

“Lancre."

Will furrowed his brows.

“I’m sorry, but I’m not sure where that is…”

“Of course, you don’t,” Granny Weatherwax noted sharply.

Nanny just patted her friend on the shoulder.

“Don’t be mean to him, Esme. I mean we’re most probably not even on Discworld anymore."

“Discworld?” Will's frown of confusion only deepened, but he quickly realized himself and moved onto another topic before either of the women could respond verbally. 

“I hope you know why you’re here,” he asked, writing down _\- residence - figure out later_ in the corner of the report.

“Of course, we know, young man,” the tall witch replied.

“ _Your fellow officers_ made us come here.”

She said it in an accussatory tone as if all of _this_ had nothing to do with _her_.

Will pushed down a sigh.

<

_You can handle this._

“Yes, we did. But we _asked you_ to come here, because there were several accusations made against you. According to Officer Potter you,” he frowned at the report, “ _...crashed into the supply room of the bar of Golden Clover, breaking the roof and damaging the supply of alcohol and other beverages stored there, scared the staff by threatening to curse them, stole a few bottles of alcohol and then tried to leave._ Oh, and yes, one of your cats peed on some inexpensive carpet back in the bar and then tried to harass the owner’s cat. _”_

He didn’t add they had argued with Mrs Smith so aggressively the three women had had to be separated physically, and that was the reason why Lauren was now taking the manager’s testimony in a separate room, while he - getting the short end of not one but two sticks - was questioning these two here. 

Granny Weatherwax scoffed.

“Us falling through the roof was an unfortunate accident. And whatever bottles Gytha _took_ she will return them.”

“Ey, I stole nothing!” Nanny protested. 

“Gytha...”

“Sure, sure,” the old lady pulled two bottles of whiskey from under her skirt, momentarily flashing Will with her red underwear, and placed them on the table.

“Still don’t think it’s stealing,” she murmured under her breath.

"And it's not like that woman would even miss them."

Granny Weatherwax threw her a warning glance but then turned back to Will.

“Now, you have your bottles back. Can we go?“ 

She phrased it like a question, but to Will’s ears, it sounded like a statement, and he caught himself almost nodding to her request just so the nightmare would be over.

“Oh.... no, actually,“ he stopped abruptly and then forced himself into a professional polite smile.

“I’m afraid we first have to write a statement of the incident.“

“Is your memory not working, young man?“ Nanny Weatherwax asked.

“You've just read to us all that happened from that flimsy report of yours.“

“Yes, I did," Will admitted feeling his soul dying just a little bit. 

_You can handle this._

"The thing is... we need _your_ side of the story. For legal purposes.”

“Legal purposes?!” the woman spat out the words as if they were poison.

“Yes, ma’am. In case Mrs Smith decided to sue you. For financial and emotional damage.”

“Sue witches?! For a broken roof and some cheap booze?” Granny Weatherwax exclaimed angrily.

Will took a deep breath. 

_You can handle this._

"I'm sorry, ma'am, but there are certain rules."

Granny clicked her tongue, crossing her arms to let him know exactly what she thought of his rules, but Nanny Ogg just pulled closer, tilting her head.

“Oh, please, Captain. There must be another to sort this out,“ she purred and leaned forward under an angle aiming to - much to Will’s horror - reveal as much of her of her cleavage as possible.

 _You can handle this._ _You can handle this._

But oh God, how much he wanted to stop handling it and just shove his head into a bucket of cold water to scream.

“I’m Lieutenant, ma’am,“ he got out, trying to look anywhere but at the eldelry witch. Unfortunately, the only other things in his view were – the monstrous cat, the other witch, and Kym, who was red and completely out of breath from laughter.

“Oh really?“ Nanny Ogg batted her eyelashes in feigned surprise.

“With your skillset...“

“Oh, no ma’am, he has no skills besides being boring!“ Kym finally chimed in between slowly subsiding fits of laughter.

“Oh, but he must have! I mean just those arms of his,“ Nanny Ogg protested with a wicked smirk.

“I imagine those can carry a lot...“

Will wiggled on his chair uncomfortably, feeling like the conversation was getting a bit off-topic – or perhaps too close to the real topic the old witch wanted to discuss – but Kym only rolled her eyes.

“Wouldn’t know anything about that. But he’s annoying and boring. And oblivious as hell.”

She gave Will a poignant look that he couldn’t quite put down, but before he could protest, Nanny Ogg produced a wicked chuckle and leaned closer to the Sergeant in a conspiratorial manner.

“Oblivious, you say? Well, I have a few recipes that might help with that...”

“Gytha, can you focus for one minute?” Granny hissed at her.

“Also stop giving people weird ideas.”

“Common, Esme, we’re just having fun!” 

“Well, can you have your fun once we’re done here?”

“Don’t be such a prude, Esme…”

The two witches immersed into bickering, and Will used to moment to lean towards Kym.

“What do you think?” he glanced at her.

Kym shrugged, her eyes still fixed at the duo.

“You think they’re crazy, don’t you?” she asked.

Will looked back at the witches and gulped, not daring to nod.

“You?”

“I think they might be telling the truth.”

Will blinked slowly.

“Kym, no offence, but-”

“They just don’t seem crazy to me. Odd, yes, but not… insane.”

“Really? Then how do you explain… this whole witch thing?”

Kym looked him straight in the eyes.

“Well, how do you explain them falling out of the blue sky through the roof of a building?”

Will opened his mouth but then closed it. Kym was right. It wasn’t like there were any high buildings around Golden Clover from which they could have fallen down. And they must have fallen from some height to actually break through the roof. 

_They did have brooms with them too..._

His musing, however, came to a quick halt as the door to the office opened and in walked Kieran holding several old files and a cup of coffee.

Nanny Ogg whirled around like a hound catching the trail, her eyes sparkled dangerously for a moment.

“Oooh, hello, there,“ she cooed.

“Good afternoon?“ Kieran paused by Will’s desk, eyeing the scene in front of him with confusion.

Nanny rewarded him with a playful smirk.

"Are you another officer, darling?"

"Me, oh, no. I'm a mere archivist ma'am," he replied as he turned to Will handing him one of the files.

“Here is the case you requested, Lieutenant. Is Lauren here?“

Will shook his head, trying to ignore the slight drop in Kieran’s shoulder at the negative answer. Nanny Ogg sighed.

“Really? Just an archivist? What shame,” she purred, “You’d look so fetching in a police uniform. My youngest boy is in Lancre military but the uniform doesn’t fit him nearly as much as it would to you. Do you work out Mr...“

“Oh, you can call me Kieran,“ the archivist replied, a flattering smile turning upon his lips.

“And thank you for the compliment. I do train occasionally.“

“Oh, it sure looks so,“ Nanny nodded, her eyes trailing over Kieran’s arms.

“Gytha, stop it,“ Granny Weatherwax hissed.

"And you, _boy_ ," she glared at Kieran.

"Have you no shame encouraging her like this?"

Nanny huffed.

“Common Esme, I’m at least trying to do something here.“

“Yes, trying to get into pants of two men who are not even half your age. I’m very proud of you. They could be your sons for crying out loud.“

“They’re both consenting adults! So what if I have a bit more experience?“

“Only a bit?“ Granny shot back, but Nanny decided to ignore her, instead of turning back to Kieran with a terrifying smile.

“Excuse my, friend, she has a bit of a bad day,“ she said.

Kieran shook his head.

“No that’s fine. What are even doing here miss, if I may be so bold?“ he asked. “Going out for a hen night, dressed like a sexy witch?“

Granny Weatherwax narrowed her eyes, ready to stand up from her chair, but Nanny was much faster, pushing her friend back in her seat and producing a deeply disturbing chuckle.

“A hen night?! Oh no such luck, my good sir. Though I’m always in search of some good co-“

“GYTHA!“

“Can you pipe it down?!“

Two angry voices went off at the same time. The silence that followed deafening like the shock after an explosion.

Granny turned her head to her left slowly, her eyes meeting with the other speaker, Officer Randall.

The temperature dropped in an instant. Dark clouds swallowed the Sun, and shadows, long and ominous, like fingers of a nightmare, stretched from the corners, grim darkness overtaking the office. The wind howled through the crack of the windows loud and insistent and sudden shriek, bitting into the bones and hearts of the unfortunate one trapped in the office. A murder of crows flew over the precinct, their wings flapping into the beat of Will’s heart, their cries louder and more heartbreaking than the wind. It sounded almost like the cry of a dying man.

Someone started sobbing. Will didn’t even dare to look around for fear it was him.

Well, there goes _handling it._

Then after a long excruciating moment, Lukas looked away.

“Thanks,“ he grumbled and then stood up.

“You might be here for a while,“ he said, motioning his heads towards the two witches. 

“Want some coffee?”

“Tea,” Granny Weatherwax replied sharply.

“Three spoons of sugar. And, no, we won’t be here for long.”

“Same for me, doll,” Nanny Ogg winked at him.

“Just add brandy.“

The entire office watched as Lukas nodded and casually slouched to the door.

“He's pretty good,” Gytha nodded with acknowledgement.

“Hmmm, ”Granny shrugged and then turned back to the others.

“Alright then,” she said, a twink of malicious victoriousness in her eyes sending a shiver down Will's spine

“Now, where were we?”

***

“Alright, thank you for your cooperation,” Lauren closed the file and stood up, opening the door for the already irritated Mrs Smith.

“We will contact you when there will be new progress to the case.”

The Golden Clover manager stood up with a humpf and marched to the door.

“You better,” she said as she passed Lauren.

“First, the raid a few weeks ago, now this nonsense. I don’t understand why didn’t you just put those women in jail. Police these days...”

“Have a nice day too,” Lauren replied politely, but as soon as the door closed behind Mrs Smith’s back, her face dropped the professional smile, and she groaned, running her hands over the back of her neck.

That woman was really something. Lauren started to believe no human named Karen should become a manager - it created very dangerous energy.

Releasing a sigh, she shook her head and turned around in the direction of the office of the patrol unit. She wondered if William had had any luck with those “witches” from before. Lauren got into contact with them only briefly when she was called to the incident, but even that very short interaction felt a very odd feeling in her mouth…

_"Meow."_

A white cat crossed Lauren's path and sat down right in front of her, blue eyes looking up at the officer with aloof curiosity.

 _The tall witch’s cat_ , she realized immediately.

_So they would still be here. Oh, god._

Still, she kneeled, meeting the cat’s expectant gaze.

“Hello, there,” she greeted the cat, reaching one hand, but not quite touching the cat without permission.

“Are you lost?”

The cat stared at her flatly, and Lauren snickered. This cat could rival Lukas when it came to the I'm-done-with-you-and-this-whole-world look.

“Of course not,” she said, “cats never get lost, do they? Well, I’m going to the office, and your… human might be there? Wanna join me?”

To this, the cat stood up and elegantly jumped into Lauren’s lap, nestling its head against her left arm.

Lauren paused for a moment but then smiled. She stood up slowly, so she wouldn’t disturb the cat and stepped forward to the direction of the office. Hopefully, the situation calmed since she had been there the last time.

***

 _Or maybe not_ , she concluded as she reached the office - a cacophony of loud voices and bursts of laughter carrying to her even through the closed door.

Lauren sighed and looked down at the cat in her hands.

“Lets’ just hope your human isn’t killing anyone in there,” she mumbled and opened the door, bracing herself for the worst.

It wasn’t a crime scene inside, but it was not much better.

The only people sitting by their desk doing their work were Lukas (though, he seemed to be weaing earplugs), and Will, who was talking about something with the taller of the witches (Weatherwax, right? a fitting name for a witch) - or rather listened as the woman was explaining to him with an expression of silent suffering masked thinly by a polite smile. 

The rest of the office was hurled around Kym's desk, which was occupied by the other witch (Ugg? Ogg?). The woman sat on the desk like on a throne surrounded by a semi-circle of officers, her voice booming over the office as she waved around a cup of tea in reckless abandon. The defenrders of Ardhalis law and peace hang on her lips with a mixture of awe, discomfort and genuine amazement, giggling at her jokes and whispering to each other excitendly like a bunch of highschoolers. Some - including Kym - were even taking notes.

“...and the poor fella couldn’t sit down for weeks. That’s why you need to be careful about what kinda vegetable you use when you’re doing this thing,” the witch finished a story and winked at the men in the audience - which to Lauren's discomfort included Kieran - but then she looked up and her face lit up immediatelly.

“Laur!” she waved at the officer as if they were old friends, “How’s it goin’, lass? You brought You too!”

“Oh, Hi Lauren!” Kym looked up from her notes, her face bearing an ear-splitting grin as seh waved at Lauren to join the small circle. Kieran on the other hand just tensed when he noticed her, hand running up to fix his hair and taking a guilty step away from the elderly witch.

The corner of Lauren's mouth twitched, but she turned to Will first.

"I have the testimony of Mrs Smith, Lieutenant," she said.

"Oh, yes, Lauren, thank you!" Will stood up from his seat, obviously relieved for the small intervention and reached for the file.

“So how did the talk with Mrs Smith go?”

Lauren shrugged.

“It was bearable. I managed to calm her down, and she said she will not press charges, provided she’ll be paid for the damage,” she said putting down the cat to hand Will the file. The white feline landed on the ground with the ease and looked around slowly, before she made her way to the closest desk - currently occupied by another cat, which by the looks of it, might have been summoned straight from hell and sat right bekow it, looking up at the demonic cat on top. The demon cat tensed. His eeys narrowed at the white feline almost as if he planned to attack, but then, he just back off and vanished over to the safety of Nanny's lap, leaving the now devastated desk for the white cat to use as she wished.

"Oh Greebo!" Nanny Ogg laughed. "You little rascal getting shy in front of a lady!"

She flashed Lauren a toothless smile.

"You have to excuse him! He's just very playful. Well, that is until, You comes in, isn't it? Then, he's just one smitten kitten!" 

"Hmmm," Lauren replied non-committally, her brows furrowing at the creature, which was most probably a complete opposite of "smitten kitten" or "playful" judging by the state of her desk, and then she glanced back at Will.

“Looks like you're having fun.” 

Her half-hearted joke met with an tired eyeroll.

“We... might have a few complications.”

“Namely?” she asked.

“Granny and Nanny here are not from here,” Kym announced.

Lauren gave her a puzzled look.

“Not from here as in-”

“Well, apparently, they are witches from a place called Discworld… which is in another dimension,” Will filled in.

The frown on Lauren's face only deepened.

“I don’t follow,” she said. “You mean like in those books where the kids found a secret door, and when they walked through them, they ended up in a magical land or-”

“Yes, like that.”

“Only, we didn’t walk through any door, we fell from the sky,” Nany Ogg added.

“Oh,” Lauren looked back at the two supposed witches.

They spoke the truth… or what they believed to be one. However, they could have been just delusional. 

After all, two witches that fell into this world from some magical land - wasn’t that a bit too absurd?

 _You have the ability to hear other people’s lies, and you teamed up with the deadliest assassin this city has ever known to defeat his boss,_ a voice in her head reminded her.

_You’re way past the point in which you can judge stuff like that._

_Still, this was a bit different…_

Lauren took a deep breath.

“Alright, that is a complication,” she admitted.

Will frowned.

“You believe me? I mean them?”

“It sounds ridiculous, but for now, I suppose I do. But since they got here - presumably via magic - can’t they magic themselves back?”

She turned back to the two witches.

“No offence.”

“None taken, sweetheart!” Nanny Ogg replied. Granny Weatherwax didn't say anything - just glared back at her silently. 

Lauren felt a shiver running down her spine at the cold sight. Not even Kieran with his predatory like glare would make her feel this nervous.

“Uhm, excuse me? Is there something wrong?”

“This world has little to no magic, does it?” the witch asked, still scrutinizing Lauren's face.

“Well, I suppose so...”

“And yet you have some,” the woman hummed to herself.

“Interesting.”

“What do you mean-” Lauren asked, but at the moment, the door to the office swung open, and two most unlikely figures marched in.

“Oh, my darlings, sorry we are so late!” Lady Arthingham announced, the peacock strapped to her head jumping back and forth, as she walked up to Granny Weatherwax.

“Oh, lord! You must be Granny Weatherwax and Nanny Ogg,” she stopped in front of the taller of the witches and cut out a deep bow for both of them.

“We heard so much about you from Old Mother Dismass, didn’t we, my dear Butler!”

The Butler nodded, bowing down to both ladies too. 

“She cooperated with our Department for a while and she always held you in the highest regard, may I add,” he said.

"Oh, my!" Nanny Ogg giggled like a high schooler at the flattery, a slight blush rising into her cheeks. Even the ice in Granny’s eyes melted for a moment before she composed herself again and nodded.

“Of course you did, Mister and Miss…”

“Oh, sorry where are my manners!” Lady Arthingham cried out.“ I’m agent A, and this is agent B from the Department Of Controlled Transport Over Realities, responsible for the sector PH. Again, so sorry for keeping you waiting we were just out of town when we heard several individuals passed through a rift in reality right into the Golden Clover! But don’t worry, we’re be taking over your case from now on.”

As she spoke the Butler - agent B - handed Will a piece of metal roughly a size and shape of a business card and in exchange took the file with Mrs Smith’s testimony from Lieutenant's unprotesting hands.

“There seem to be some legal issues, my Lady,” he said running quickly through the pages.

“Oh, it’s that so?” Lady Arthingham - or rather agent A - sighed but then waved him off.

“We can deal with that later. Firstly, we need to escort these two ladies back home, and then we can take care of all the collateral damage and any legal evidence.”

“Hey, you can’t do that!” Lauren protested. Will’s head snapped up as if breaking from a trance.

“Ye-yes,” he got out, “By whose authority...” 

Lady Arthingham sighed.

“By the authority of the Worldswide Holistic Organization, darling. And the Ardhalis Imigration Law, section elevent paragraph three. It's all on the card dear."

She pointed at the metal card in his hand and continued. 

“As agents of this organization, we are responsible for handling any cases regarding interdimensional travel whether it was voluntary or - as in your case, ladies - involuntary, as well as making sure that all cross galactic trespassers are returned to their original worlds.”

"Oh," Will turned the metal card in his hands, and Lauren and Granny Weatherwax leaned in closer to take a better look at it. The letters on the card gloved in dim blue light, flickering in the lighting of the office. It looked otherwordly and cold. But everything that was written there matched what Agent A had said.

_And she wasn't lying either..._

Lauren bit her lip.

Was everything that has happened so far for real then? Or was this precinct just a magnet for delusional nutjobs?

She glanced at Will but he looked as confused as she did. 

Granny Weatherwax lifted her eyes up from the card to look back at Lady Arthingham. She scrutinised the lady from head to toe but then nodded. 

"Let's go then," she, announced in a tone that did not take no for an answer. "You."

The white cat stretched elegantly and jumped down from Lauren's desk and up into the witch's arms, from where she climbed over her shoulders and settled there creating a white fur collar around the witch's neck.

“Have a good day, Lieutenant. Officers,” Granny nodded to the others, her eyes once again lingering on Lauren for just a second before she turned on her heel.

"Gytha, We're going!"

"Yes, coming, coming!" the other witch picked her cat, and the broom, and then turned around to the other officers.

"Don't worry, Marni, you cat is going to be fine. Neville, don't forget to use the oiment I told you about before sleep! Does miracles for the skin. And Kym!" she dub down under her skirt producing a medium sized brown book handing it to the Sergeant. "My own cookbook! I always carry a copy just in case. Trust me you'll find these tips very useful, " she added with a wink. 

Kym blushed deeply.

"Oh, thanks!" she blurted out. "But I-" 

"Don't mention it, darlin'. You obviously need it!" the old witch chuckled in response one last time, and then the door closed behind her for good.

The office let out a mixed sigh of disappointment and relief.

“Oh god,” Will fell back into his chair, massaging the bridge of his nose.

“Well, that went _well_.How am I going to explain this to Mrs Smith though?”

“Oh, don’t worry, Willame,” Kym hummed happily running briefly through the book with Kieran looking over her shoulder.

“They said they’re going to take care of it, didn’t they? If it makes you feel better, I might bring you a cake to-mo-rrow!" she added in a sing-along tone, making Will almost choke on air.

"Something _you_ baked? No, thanks," he shook his head and glanced over the rest of the office, which was slowly retreating to their desks, most of them flushed and casting their eye downwards.

“I feel you'd just use me to test one of those recipes that woman's given you just now. What did she even mean by saying you need it?”

 **“Oh, nothing!** ” both Kieran and Kym quipped at the same time and then glanced at each other bursting into muffled laughter.

Lauren felt a shiver running down her spine. _Of all the people to share a conspiratorial glance…_

Lukas looked up from his seat and took out one ear plug.

"They're gone?" he asked.

"Yeah," Kieran nodded.

"Good," the officer put the plug back. 

"Now I suggest you all return to your usual work, unless you want Hermann to strip you of your rank _and_ your skin."

And so, the day resumed back to its old tracks.

  


_***_

  


“Home, sweet home!” Nanny Ogg raised her hands as the portal closed behind their back, leaving both witches alone in the darkness of the Lancre woods. The moon was still up just as when they left, seemingly no time passing.

Granny just nodded. It felt better to be back home. In a normal world with normal problems, and no silly officers with no sense for respect towards the witches.  
“But you know, that girl...” she said after a brief moment as they made their way through the dark forest. You strolled a few ahead of them while Greebo, finally in his natural environment, ran off somewhere to harrass the local fauna.

“She had something in her…”

“Oh, you mean Kym?” Nanny Ogg asked.

“Yeah, she was bright. If she wasn’t a cop, she might have been a fine witch.”

"If she wasn't so messy. No, I meant the other girl - Sinclair.”

“What about her?”

“She had magic. Not any I've ever seen, but it was there. Heh, and there they said their world has no witches.”

Nanny shrugged.

“Perhaps something leaked back through some cracks in between worlds or something like that.”

“I suppose so,” Granny nodded - again more to herself than to Nanny.

“Well, it doesn’t matter anyway. She looked too problematic anyways. Too wrapped up in her own mess. And that boy of hers isn’t helping the situation either.”

“Hey, what do you have against Kieran?”

“Just that he’s a killer. I could have smelled it from him for miles.”

“Oh, yeah I noticed. But I don’t see a problem there. Our Betty knew a guy from Ankh-Morpork who dated someone from the Assassin’s Guild. They’re pretty happy together too.”

“No, this guy was different. Don’t tell me, you haven’t noticed.”

“Well, yes...” Nanny nodded hesitantly. She had seen men returning from the war before. She had seen men who never actually felt the battlefield even when they came back home. And there was something painfully in the boy’s eyes that was painfully similar to theirs; blood and corpses and guilt, even as he smiled and laughed at her jokes.

“But that’s their own problem to fix, ain’t it? If it can be fixed that is,” she added with a sigh as the lights of the houses of the nearby village broke through the receding branches, but then she shivered, speeding up her steps.

“Oh, holy hell, if it ain’t cold! I don’t know about you Esme, but when I get home the first thing I’ll do is make myself a cup of something hot. That other world had no magic and no idea how to make a decent cup of tea whatsoever.”

  


**Author's Note:**

> (Will: they can't be witches. Witches son't exist. That's completely irrational and as a man of reason I-  
> Granny: *wins a staring contest with Lukas.  
> Will: Okay, she's a witch.) 
> 
> And now for some quick Q and A:  
> Are there more than three people (including me) in the whole fandom that understand what the hell is going on in this fic?  
> Hard to say, but probably no.  
> Do I know what I'm doing.  
> Of course not.  
> Is this any good?  
> Not nearly up to my standards, but I doubt it will be better.  
> Do I own any of the characters?  
> Nope again . The characters and settings belong to a) Terry Pratchett for Granny Weatherwax, Nanny Ogg, You and Greebo (and  
> Lancre) and b) Epherysm and Sophism for the rest of the cast and for the setting ig. (webtoon can be found [please, read it here ](https://www.webtoons.com/en/mystery/purple-hyacinth/list?title_no=1621&page=1) and the discord here [PH discord ](https://discord.com/invite/SbcUwZ3), Discworld novels can be found at the shelf above my bed, but I'm pretty sure they're available in your local libary and on the internent too)  
> And that's for today's Q and A, folks!
> 
> Thanks for reading, leave kudos or comments, if you're inclined to do so. And thanks to [ baker_and_fangirl ](https://archiveofourown.org/users/baker_and_fangirl) for brainstorming the Discworld/PH crossover with me and to [ Monica_Tailor](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Monica_Tailor) for politely suffering through my bullshit once again!
> 
> *************************************************************** _Všetko najlepšie k meninám, mami. Viem, že toto asi nebudeš čítať - teda určite nie, len som ti chcela dať vedieť, že stále píšem. Neviem, tento príbeh by sa ti asi nepáčil, povedala by si, že je zbytočne vulgárny, tak prepáč. Ale ten súboj pohľadov medzi Lukasom a Bábi by sa ti myslím páčil._


End file.
